K, N, and B… we are weird people, therefore, we come up with some strange language to describe the beers we drink. The following may or may not be a complete or incomplete description of the shit that comes out of our mouths:
“An beer:” An N creation. The phrase describe a bland beer that is only by definition “beer.” There is nothing offensive about the beverage but there isn’t anything to write home about either. It is the picture by the definition when you look up “beer” in Webster’s Dictionary. Better than drinking water, but this is Portland, and we have higher standards for our beers.
“Boat Beer:” A beer one would drink to parch their thirst on a hot-ass day on a mother fucking boat. This should be explanatory. Also, it is required to watch The Lonely Island’s “I’m on a boat” video NOW.
“Don’t fruit the beer!” N saying. Apparently he does not appreciate the finer fruity qualities of most brewskis. “For shame, sir, for shame!” says B. Rarely does N find a fruit-tastic brew he can tolerate.
“It does what it says on the tin!” Another N one-liner. A beer that tastes and looks like the style the brewers say it is. You would think this is a no-brainer, but for some breweries, it is difficult to match taste with attempts at style (i.e. Migration)
“It’s the most drinkable IPA ever!” K says this almost every time we go to a new brewery. Hell, sometimes he has said it twice at the same brewery in the same sitting! K is just ridiculous and the only way we could ever solve this quandary is to buy bottles of all K’s “drinkable” IPAs to do a blind taste test. Although, we may have to hold him down kicking and screaming, that is going to be a project for another day.
“Mendoza Line:” A K-inspired term. Derives from
some sports shit baseball. An excerpt from the all-knowing interweb phenomenon Wikipedia describes it as “the name of shortstop Mario Mendoza, whose batting average is taken to define the threshold of incompetent hitting.” Apply this to beer and/or breweries and there you have it, folks.
“Mullet Beer:” Used to describe beers that have one flavor profile when first entering the mouth and another flavor profile after swallowed. Commonly applied to IPAs and their seemingly subtle initial presence followed by a bitchslap of hoppy aftertaste that even fire can’t take away (B isn’t biased at all).
“Pineapple”: The inverse mullet: party in the front, business in the back. It’s also a haircut N’s friend had in elementary school. K says that should say more than enough right there. In beer terms, this is when the hops are on the front of the taste and fade away quickly.
“Pitcher Beer:” This is the beer on tap that you wouldn’t mind drinking it if the drunk guy at the bar bought you a pitcher. A pitcher requires more commitment than a normal pint yet, you don’t want to run the risk of pissing off your friends with a weak ass pitcher of beer. The pitcher beer is simultaneously pleasing for most everyone in the group and pleasurable enough to drink more than a pint in one sitting.